What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. Domestic violence is a repetitive pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over another person. Domestic violence can take many forms, including physical abuse, psychological, emotional, verbal and financial abuse, sexual violence and isolation.
It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows. Read the 22 Types of Abuse.

The Power & Control Diagram is a particularly helpful tool in understanding the overall pattern of abusive and violent behaviors, which are used by an abuser to establish and maintain control over his or her partner.

Very often, one or more violent incidents are accompanied by an array of these other types of abuse. They are less easily identified, yet firmly establish a pattern of intimidation and control in the relationship.

Help, support, and information are available to you through Willow Center. Please call our confidential, 24-hour Hotline at (585) 222-SAFE (7233).

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors to maintain power and control over an intimate partner or family member.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

It is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors including physical, sexual, and psychological attacks, as well as economic coercion and isolation.

Willow staff members and volunteers are trained to help survivors of all types of domestic violence.

If you’re beginning to feel as if your partner or a loved one’s partner is becoming abusive, there are a few behaviors that you can look out for. Watch out for these red flags and if you’re experiencing one or more of them in your relationship, call the Willow Hotline to talk about what’s going on.

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with bad names and put downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family?
• Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all the decisions?
• Tell you you’re a bad parent, or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you or hit you?
• Force you to drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

Help, support and information are available to you through Willow Center. Please call our confidential 24-hour Hotline:

(585) 222-SAFE

Verbal Abuse

• Name calling
• Put downs
• Harsh tone of voice

Emotional Abuse

• Playing mind games
• Trying to make partner feel guilty
• Humiliating partner
• Keeping partner away from family and friends
• Jealousy and possessiveness
• Making all decisions in the relationship
• Threatening to harm self or others

Physical Abuse

• Pushing, spitting, shoving or pinching
• Attempting to inflict physical injury
• Physically restraining partner
• Killing

Sexual Abuse

• Making unwanted comments about partner’s body
• Pressuring partner into having sex
• Attempting unwanted sexual contact

Myth 1. It couldn’t happen to me.

Intimate partner violence occurs in all parts of society. No one chooses to date an abuser. Abusers hide their true colors until AFTER it becomes difficult to leave the relationship.

Myth 2. Victims are partly to blame.

A partner has no control over the actions of the abuser and it is NEVER their fault. Abusers often make unrealistic demands and expect the impossible. Victims become exhausted trying to please them to keep the peace. Abusers use violence, emotional and verbal abuse, threats, children, finances and other tactics to maintain power and control in the relationship. They blame the victim to justify and continue their own abusive behavior.

Myth 3. It’s easy to leave.

Many DO leave, but it is NOT easy. Abuse often starts after the relationship is hard to leave, and abusers use manipulative tactics like apologizing, promising to change, or blaming the victim to keep them around. Most victims are afraid to leave and many don’t have the financial resources to leave or a place to go. The victim also knows that the level of danger increases when they are about to leave. They may also feel they have limited options if they are isolated from family and friends or if they do not control the finances.

It’s never easy for a victim of domestic violence to leave. Unlike a healthy relationship where a break up is still often difficult, in a dangerous relationship people don’t break up. They escape.

For a riveting first-hand account, see this TedTalk by Leslie Morgan Steiner.

Myth 4. People just lose control sometimes.

People don’t abuse because they are out of control. Domestic violence is a choice and abusers are rarely violent outside of the relationship. They are very careful about where and when they choose to abuse in order to hide their actions. If the police are called, it is often the victim who is hysterical while the abuser is calm. Violence is a calculated tactic that abusers use to maintain power and control. And while drugs and alcohol may cause abusers to be more violent, these substances do not cause abusive behavior.

Myth 5. There is nothing I can do.

There are three things anyone can do to help survivors of domestic violence.

First, you can believe the survivor’s experience and honor them. When people dismiss or blame them, survivors are re-victimized.
Second, we must hold abusers accountable. We must not make excuses for unacceptable behavior or be afraid to get involved in “private matters.”
Third, we can donate or volunteer with an organization like Willow Center to help eradicate domestic violence.